I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
