I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
