She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Randomize
