I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
