I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
