He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
