The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
