I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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