Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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