Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
