I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
