____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
