i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
