Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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