based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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