Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Why is your signature on my underwear?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
