the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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