She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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