I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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