I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
