did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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