He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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