Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Drake has all the answers
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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