If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
