when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
