kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
