I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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