everyone is single if you try hard enough
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
