when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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