She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
