I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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