ugly people sure do ruin things
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
