I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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