ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
