Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
