i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
It's just like the Real World with babies
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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