So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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