its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
