she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
