Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
