I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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