Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
