It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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