I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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