dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
