There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
