my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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