I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
