If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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