all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
