You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
