My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
